Struggles

Today I really wish we had kept Zephaniah's body. We never really thought of it as an option when we were at the hospital. They never offered or said anything about it being an option, and we didn't think to ask. Not until later. I am so thankful we got to see him. See how big he was and how he was growing. I'm thankful I have a picture of him to look at and know that I really do have two babies. I just wish I got to keep them both. We were shopping this evening and Waylon saw some jewelry boxes and said he kept looking at them and thinking of Zephaniah. One of them was very casket shaped and though small, was still at least twice the size of what we would have needed for him. 

One of the things I struggle with the most is why did God allow me to get pregnant with Zephaniah, if He wasn't going to let me keep him. After struggling with infertility for three years before He gave us Jotham we were happy to have one child. We both even talked about this last summer  how we saw us as being complete with the three of us. Not that we didn't want another child, we both did, but we could picture Jotham as being an only child. Even as we were having this conversation, I told Waylon how part of me hoped that just saying we were ok with how we were was enough for God to allow us to have one more.  I certainly wasn't expecting God to allow us to get pregnant again just to have it ripped away. We were happy as a family of three, I was so content being the mom of one, I never wanted and still don't want Jotham to think he's not enough. Because he is. But now I cry every night, because I don't have Zephaniah. I'll never hold him, hear his voice, watch him cuddle with Daddy or play with Jotham. All things we wanted so much. 

Jotham, if you ever read this, know that I love you so much, and that you (and Daddy) are the only things that keep me going. You bring me joy on days when I don't feel it anywhere else. You are enough for us.