Nobody Knew You

by Jan Cosby
Nobody knew you
"Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn't have been very far along."
. . .existed.
Nobody knew you
"It's not as though you lost an actual person."
. . .were real.
Nobody knew you
"Well it probably wasn't a viable fetus. It's all for the best."
. . .were perfect.
Nobody knew you
"You can always have another!"
. . .were unique
Nobody knew you
"You already have a beautiful child. Be happy!"
. . .were loved for yourself.
Nobody knew you
. . .but us
And we will always remember
. . .You.

1 Month

     It's one month today since we lost Zephaniah. In some ways it feels like so much longer than that, and in others I feel like it happened yesterday. It's been a crazy month busy as we get ready for Christmas, and having my parents here for a short visit on their trip back home. I've had good days, and days where all I want to do is stay in bed and cry. But that's never an option, sure I get some time to cry, but I'm a mom, and I have my older baby to take care of. I'm not sure I could actually get through this without him. Not only is he a great little distraction, he also brings us so much joy. Seeing the wonder of Christmas through the eyes of a 2 year old is pretty great.
     While we've made some great memories this month, every day I wish I were still pregnant. And in case you wonder, I don't want to be pregnant again, I want to still be pregnant. I should be almost 19 weeks along now. I should be feeling the baby move and in 10 days finding out the baby's gender.  My husband and son should have been able to start feeling the movements soon too.
     I've been wondering the last couple of days what would we have named Zephaniah. We hadn't even begun looking at names until after he was gone. And though he has a name, which I absolutely love, I still wonder what it would have been.  I can't actually imagine it being anything else. I love the ways Jotham pronounces his name, some times "Ephaniah" other tims "Zeph-niah"  it's cute either way.

     We've been on the hunt for ornaments for our family, my husband wanted penguins, which we found this week. We got a penguin for the three of us, and made an egg for Zephaniah.

Gone too Soon

On Wednesday, November 11th we said goodbye to our precious baby. I had started spotting last Saturday and spent the next few days wondering what was going to happen. We had our families and a few close friends praying for us which I know is why I was able to feel at peace about everything the first couple of days. The spotting seemed to be stopping on Monday and Tuesday, though on occasion it would change, but Sunday and Monday I felt a peace that everything was going to be ok. But on Wednesday everything changed and that evening I miscarried at home. One day I'll write out the whole story, but for now we wanted to share with you a few memories of our baby.

August 31st, the day we found out we were expecting. Jotham was very excited though he had no idea what was really going on.

My baby belly on September 10th which

popped immediately, I was only 5 1/2 weeks.

Seeing our precious baby for the first

time on September 24th, at 7.5 weeks.

Zephaniah Dekyr went home to Jesus on Wednesday, November 11, 2009 at 8:00 in the evening. We chose his name based on the meaning, Zephaniah means "Hidden by God", and Dekyr "Piercing".

"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away.

Blessed be the name of the Lord". Job 1:21b

About a month ago, I was trying to fall asleep, and was thinking about what verse we would have for our baby, this is the verse that God immediatley spoke to me, I told him I didn't want the verse and He said it again. This is the same verse that God gave to Waylon the night after our miscarriage.

If you click on the empty frame below you will see our baby how we saw him at the hospital after our miscarriage. It is a graphic detailed picture which may be hard to look at. Being able to see our baby has brought us some closure. Only click if you're really sure you want to see him.

Many of our friends and family are praying for us and grieving with us during this time. This is a collection of your words for us in a Wordle. Click the picture to read all your kind words.

Flowers from our pastors.

We appreciate your prayers as we continue to grieve the loss of our baby. We know he rests safely in the arms of his Heavenly Father, though we ache to hold him in our own arms.

This is a poem Waylon wrote the day after we miscarried.

To Zephaniah

She carried you for a few short weeks

and I less than an hour.

The Lord has given and taken away,

Blessed be He in His power!

Now you safely rest in

another Father's hand.

Until one day when we will meet

and bring this pain to end.