1 Month

     It's one month today since we lost Zephaniah. In some ways it feels like so much longer than that, and in others I feel like it happened yesterday. It's been a crazy month busy as we get ready for Christmas, and having my parents here for a short visit on their trip back home. I've had good days, and days where all I want to do is stay in bed and cry. But that's never an option, sure I get some time to cry, but I'm a mom, and I have my older baby to take care of. I'm not sure I could actually get through this without him. Not only is he a great little distraction, he also brings us so much joy. Seeing the wonder of Christmas through the eyes of a 2 year old is pretty great.
     While we've made some great memories this month, every day I wish I were still pregnant. And in case you wonder, I don't want to be pregnant again, I want to still be pregnant. I should be almost 19 weeks along now. I should be feeling the baby move and in 10 days finding out the baby's gender.  My husband and son should have been able to start feeling the movements soon too.
     I've been wondering the last couple of days what would we have named Zephaniah. We hadn't even begun looking at names until after he was gone. And though he has a name, which I absolutely love, I still wonder what it would have been.  I can't actually imagine it being anything else. I love the ways Jotham pronounces his name, some times "Ephaniah" other tims "Zeph-niah"  it's cute either way.

     We've been on the hunt for ornaments for our family, my husband wanted penguins, which we found this week. We got a penguin for the three of us, and made an egg for Zephaniah.