Losing You

I've been wanting to write about when we first thought we were losing you and the day we did have to say goodbye to you, but I feel like if I do, then you're really gone. And though I know you are really gone from this world I'll see you again one day. Part of me doesn't want to forget those days, and part of me knows I never will be able to forget it, and then another part of me wishes I could forget. It still hurts, so much. And you'd be 6 months now, but instead I've been grieving your loss for a year...

It was a pretty normal Saturday for us, we had gone grocery shopping in the morning, Jotham had a nap after lunch and we were just hanging around the house in the afternoon. I remember I was tired and was having a resting/daydreaming/listening to Daddy and Jotham play, and loving the sound of their laughter. We started talking about what to have for supper and I was tired and kinda grumpy and had no idea what I wanted to eat. Daddy started looking for ideas while I went to the bathroom. That was when I saw the bright red blood on the toilet paper. I was so scared as soon as I saw it. The tears started immediately because I didn't want to lose you, you were mine, how could I give you up. Daddy tried to calm my fears, reminding me of friends we have and family who've had spotting and their babies were just fine. But I was still terrified. We needed Jotham to eat something so I think I gave him a cheese slice and  found some snacks we could take with us to the hospital, and some toys and colouring to entertain him. 

It wasn't too busy when we got there, Jotham did colour a bit in a Sesame Street colouring book, which I always think about now when we take that book out. The nurse we saw was really nice, she was pregnant too but farther along. I had mentioned I'd had my H1N1 shot a few days ago and she said there had been some women in their 3rd trimester come in with spotting after the shot but that it always went away in few days. That kinda made me feel a bit better, but also worried me since I wasn't that far along and worried that it had hurt my baby. We then saw the doctor, she tried to find your heartbeat, but she couldn't find it. Jotham was sitting across from us with Daddy and he was so concerned that we couldn't find the "heart beep". The doctor did say the placenta was pumping blood, that was the sound we could hear on the doppler, but she tried for about 5 minutes and couldn't find anything. She said not to worry though, but it the bleeding got worse we could go to the city for an emergency ultrasound. I really didn't want a two hour drive when I was already worried, so we decided to wait and see how things went. She was going to book and ultrasound for later the next week she said (but she didn't). When we got home we called our families to ask them to pray for us, and I emailed a few close friends from home to ask them to pray too. We knew there was nothing that we could do to save our baby, it was up to God. 

The next day was Sunday. The bleeding hadn't gotten worse, it was still there a little but had been changing to a brown colour so we hoped that meant it was stopping. I still went to church but made sure to sit during singing and tried not to stand around too long after church. I don't remember what we did that day, but I know we felt better about things, that the bleeding was less, so we thought we were getting the miracle we hoped for. Monday was similar, though I wanted to get out of the house a bit so we went to the park in the afternoon. It didn't really change anything, I still felt that things were going ok,  I was still worried of course, but was trying to trust that everything was going to be ok. On Tuesday I watched Julia, and let her mom know that I might have an ultrasound later that week since I still thought the doctor was setting one up. Everything was fine on tuesday too, having Julia therre was actually a good distraction, and I still took it easy. 

It all changed on Wednesday. I had lots of energy in the morning and wanted to do something, so Jotham and I baked chocolate chip cookies. The bleeding had changed, it was red again, and there was more, and I had some cramping. So of course I started to worry. Waylon had gone into work that day, though I didn't understand why since it was a holiday, so I called him in the afternoon since I was worried. We went back to the hospital, there was no doctor in emerg. so they sent me up to maternity when I asked it I could just have a nurse check for a heartbeat. We had another super nice nurse, she couldn't find the heartbeat either, but told me not to give up. She said to go home, put on a happy movie and rest, and have Waylon take care of Jotham. While she was trying to find a heartbeat Waylon was feeding Jotham a bar, the nurse commented on how much he liked the bar, but who wouldn't want to eat a chocolate bar, we both said no its just a fruit bar. I also remember having a cramp/contraction as we were walking down the stairs of the hospital, and knowing that everything wasn't ok. 

Since it was a holiday and Jotham had asked on Saturday and that day if we were going to the pool since I guess he thought the hospital looked the same as the leisure center, Waylon took him to the pool for a while and I rested. I watched 13 going on 30 I think,  that or How to lose a Guy in 10 days, not totally sure which. They came home and Jotham played and watched some shows. Waylon made supper, and I kept going to the bathroom, feeling and sounding like i was peeing when it was really all blood streaming out of me. I knew it was over, but I didn't want to admit it. Jotham was watching some Poppetstown and Mama Mirrabelle, and I lay on the couch with him until Waylon had supper ready. He made a stirfry with ground beef and noodles, to me it was tasteless, partly I just didn't want to eat and I also didn't want to admit what was happening to our baby. 

We put the Cars movie on for Jotham after supper, Waylon cleaned up a bit and I layed on the couch with Jotham. I was in more pain, back labour again and also some contractions. I got up over and over to go the the bathroom, each time checking to see if there were large clots and hoping I wasn't flushing my baby. We decided to call the hospital to see if they could do anything. I talked to the head nurse and told her there was lots of blood and I had cramps, or more like contractions. She said I could come in if there was too much pain or if I started losing even more blood. It was hard to know how much there was since most of it was over the toilet. We waited a little longer and then decided to try and find someone to watch Jotham. We called Pastor Marks house, he wasn't home but Sandra was, and she said we could bring Jotham over. I was in the bathroom when Waylon called her and hearing him say, "I think Lisa is miscarrying" was so hard to hear, it just made me cry even more knowing we both knew we were losing our child. 

We started getting things ready for Jotham, it was almost his bedtime so I was getting the playpen and sheets while Waylon got clothes and stuff. I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom again, and this time I knew when our baby came out in the sac. I yelled for Waylon to come, telling him the baby was in the toilet and that I needed a glove so I could get him out. He finally found a glove and I put it on and reached in the mess of blood to scoop out our baby still in the sac. I didn't know what to do, I just held him in my hand over the toilet, while we cried together. I didn't have many tears left, but seeing Waylon crying just broke my heart again. I couldn't just flush my child so we called the hospital again, the nurse said it would be good to come in and to bring in our baby. We put our baby in a ziploc, two actually, and Waylon held him. We took Jotham with us to the hospital since we knew we wouldn't be there for long. 

I wasn't as emotional once the pain finally stopped and I knew everything was over. I was relived to not be in pain anymore, and just was very matter of fact about what we needed to do next. The nurse was super nice, which was good, and she so gently had Waylon place our baby on sheets in a basin. They brought us to a room again and we waited for the doctor. The nurse came by and asked us if we wanted to see him, our baby. Of course we did, I had been planning on asking if they hadn't offered so I was glad that they did. The doctor was holding our baby in his hand. He was so small, there was no way he was 14 weeks like he should have been, the doctor pointed out his legs, but I really didn't see any arms, I guess they could have been there but it was hard to tell. It would have been nice if we had just asked to have some time with our baby, but we didn't really think of it then. We were both so overwhelmed with everything. We did get a picture of him though, so we have two pictures of his whole life, one of him while he lived inside me, and the second after he had died. 

I'm not sure the rest of the story matters, the doctor checked me but he had no idea what he was doing and had a maternity ward nurse there to help him. Her name was Lisa too. And the head nurse came in while I was changing and gave me a hug. They took my blood for something, some test. And they wanted us to come back in the morning for another doctor to check me since she was doing a d & c in the morning and if I needed one would do mine then as well. On our way home we decided we'd call our family even though it was getting late. We called Tim and Char first since they were in the later time zone, Tim summed it up well saying "this sucks". I thought it would be harder talking to everyone, but I was still detached from what was going on and my body was free of pain still so I was able to get through it. Jotham understood as much as he could about our baby dying. He knew the baby was gone from mommy's tummy and that he was in heaven now.

I guess that's most of the story, there are a few other random things that showed we had lost our baby already.  Like thinking a few days before I started spotting that I had lost the mucous plug but just rationalizing that it was something else, though I know it wasn't.  Or how my morning/all day sickness just vanished one day. Or that I felt like I hadn't grown at all in a few weeks. Even just being worried and feeling like I was going to lose this baby when I never had those fears with Jotham. It was always so hard to imagine life with another baby. I thought that was partly because we had no idea where we would be. We planned for him though, I was always looking for beds for Jotham and looking at potty training stuff to make sure Jotham would be out of diapers before our due date. Looking for new maternity clothes like the future Canucks fan t-shirt. I wanted to order muslin baby blankets, even when I was spotting I was still looking at those hoping that I would get to wrap my baby up in it, especially the one with blue stars.

I miss you so much Zephaniah, you will always be our second baby. No child we may ever have will be able to replace you. I love you so much and wish so much I was holding you in my arms.